ON MONTENEGRO

Montenegro was my first introduction to Eastern Europe and what an introduction it was. 

Vistas so astonishing I was constantly rubbing my eyes to ensure they were not deceiving me. Indignation as drivers stopped in the middle of the road to have a full blown kiki with the oncoming car, handshakes out the window and all. Tasting burek, a croissant but with gumption, for the first time was all but a religious epiphany. Hikes so vertical I had to Google whether the word “switchback” exists in Montenegrin. 

You’ll see from the photo’s how breathtaking Montenegro is.  For the content of this post I’m going to veer away from my typical highlights per region and rather address the true highlights of Montenegro – the people, the idiosyncrasies, and the food. ENJOY!

PEOPLE:

Put simply, Montenegrians exhibit my favorite quality to encounter while abroad. People who absolutely fuck with their country. 

We rented a car and when Jadran dropped off the vehicle, he all but sprang out of the car like “HELLO! WELCOME TO MY COUNTRY! How do you like it?! It’s beautiful isn’t it! The pope was here last week for vacation on the beaches, I’ll send the pictures to your WhatsApp, you’re going to love it here.” Nice to meet you and please, send the pics babe 🙂

Every host at every guesthouse hit us with “and how long are you in my country?! Where did you come from beforehand?! You need to go to {INSERT THE MOST SCENIC PLACE YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE}, it’s the most beautiful place in my country. I will show you” and then pulled out their phones to make sure we had the English spelling and directions.

After passing a man on the street a few times he beckoned us over and asked whether we would “like some informations.” We were open, so he proceeded to give us information on 7 to 1,000 places to visit in the area, none of which had names. He gestured vaguely to the mountains and told us if we started driving that way we would find everything we were looking for. He bid us adieu with “as for the food, I cannot recommend anything. It’s all shit. In the summer, it’s shit. I’m just being honest”

Every waiter immediately asked us “where are you from” and when we said the USA the first look that washed over their face was supreme disappointment. The second was shock. And the third was “I have a cousin in New York, what part are you from?” Followed by the ever steady “and how are you liking Montenegro?! How are the people here treating you?! It’s beautiful here, don’t you agree?!”

Before visiting Montenegro, I had a stereotype that Eastern Europeans were harsh and unwelcoming. We also heard that there was a strong anti-American sentiment. What we experienced was hospitable hosts, with a great deal of pride, and obvious warmth. 

IDIOSYNCRASIES:

At first glance, Montenegro is familiar. It looks like whatever the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen in your life is. It’s unspoilt and almost surreal.  A canvas painted by Mother Nature herself. If you look a little closer though, you’ll come to appreciate the real charm of Montenegro lies not within its beauty, but in its personality. Maybe I’m biased because like Montenegro, I’m small and brimming with personality, but Montenegro has the juice. Some anecdotes on said personality…

To get to Montenegro we took an 11 hour train from Belgrade where people smoked cigarettes on the train. Inside the train. For 11 hrs. Never in all my life.

The roads are SKINNY one lane roads that, impossibly, accommodate two cars. When you see another car approaching you both simply pull half your car off of the road and into the bushes so both may pass. Simple. Practical. Exactly the approach you love to take in a rental. If there’s a steep 10,000 foot drop preventing you from pulling half your car off the road you simply reverse until there is a shoulder to allow the other car to pass. Motomami (and by that I mean motopapi as there is no change I was getting behind the wheel LOL, no).

Anywhere you go there will be cars “parked” in the middle of the road with their hazards thrown on while the driver runs out to go to the ATM, or to get an espresso. No parking spot, no problem baby! Parking in the middle of a roundabout?! If it’s asphalt, it’s a parking spot. If it’s not asphalt, it’s also a parking spot! Speaking of roundabouts, the car merging INTO the roundabout has the right of way, not the car IN the roundabout (............). We saw a total of three stop lights for the duration of our 2 weeks driving. 

At the top of every hike there were people ripping cigarettes at the summit. There is quite simply nothing like the smell of carcinogens wafting into your nose, scorching your esophagus and gunking up your lungs as you peer out over the most spectacular vista of your life.

At one of our guesthouses, the three year old son of the owner saw me, identified I was a foreigner, raised his middle finger and stuck out his tongue. Personality. 

We went to the top rated restaurant on Google Maps in Prokletije National Park and it was simply somebody's home. There were a handful of older men on the porch and our approach was cause for…great entertainment. After hunting down a son who spoke English, we were told what the matriarch was cooking (IE the menu) and all was good. Everytime the English speaking son came to talk with us (frequent), his arm was draped over Quintin’s shoulder for the duration of the interaction as if Quintin himself was family.

At another one of our guesthouses there were two Shetland ponies with free reign of the place. Like when is the last time you saw a Shetland pony?!  There were also cows, who on occasion would break out of their pasture and terrorize the small children playing on the swings, which would cause the waiter to have to chase them off with tree branches. There were also sheep that were totally shaved except for their heads so the result was sheep with dreads….

At every turn, Montenegro shocked me. FULL of personality, never a dull moment, utterly bizarre and endlessly worth it. 

FOOD:

A moment for the bread of Montenegro. 

I’ll start with the table rolls. Imagine the best pizza crust you’ve ever had in your life. Now turn it into a roll as big as your hand where all five of your fingers spread as wide as you can get them. Crispy on the outside, doughy and warm on the inside and just dense enough. Nearly every meal was served with a basket of such rolls. Heaven is lunch in Montenegro, I’m sure of it.

I mentioned burek in the opening ode to Montenegro, but it can’t hurt to mention it again. Burik is a pastry that is flakey, but you don’t need to cover your surroundings with a towel to eat it. It’s hefty. A single slice is bigger than your whole head. It can be filled with meat, cheese, apple, gods love, you name it. It’s typically eaten for breakfast and it’s one of those foods that once you get a hankering for it, nothing else on earth will do. 

All across Montenegro you’ll run across ladies selling cartons of homegrown blueberries, raspberries, apricots, peaches and cantaloupe. They spread themselves out along the roads so passerbyers  can pull over and get a carton. There’s pomegranate beer and the red wine tastes exactly like the blueberries smothering your baklava and cake. Whole Foods could not ever. 

Other things I loved were stuffed trout, greek salad with the freshest, juiciest tomatoes on earth made complete with the thickest slices of cheese you’ve ever seen,  spicy peppers in a bath of hot, melted cheese, kacamak, lamb and baklava. 

I am a certified moron when it comes to world history. Thus, before embarking on the Radical Sabbatical ™ one of my biggest goals was to learn about the places we’re visiting while in the country so I can be less of an embarrassment to myself, Quintin and my family. I’ve been steadfast in my commitment to reading at least one book by an author from each country, listening to one history/culture podcast per country and doing some sort of educational tour covering some facet of history or culture so I can key in.

One of the things I’m cherishing more than anything about this trip is learning in real time. Of course the history lessons by way of book/podcast/tour help, but all of that gets cemented in my mind because it’s accompanied by REAL places, REAL people, REAL experiences. There is no replacement for learning from what you experience, what you see, and through both big and small interactions. Keying into how people react to you, comments guides unknowingly (or knowingly…) make, and little conversations with the girls doing my eyebrows. 

Yugoslavia and the Balkans was an area I had heard of but knew next to nothing about. It was shrouded in mystery and because of the way this area is covered in modern media, it didn’t rise to the top of my “I want to go there!”  list.  I’m grateful to have visited, seen for myself, and enjoyed Montenegro.