ON BECOMING ELIZA THORNBERRY
I’ve never been an animal person. And to give it to you straight, I always thought animal lovers were freaks.
No offense to the horse girlies who have somehow penetrated my inner circle and are certainly reading this, but I thought y’all were a bunch of freaks. People who worship their pets? Annoying, and also disrespectful freaks who think the rules don’t apply to them.
Quintin and I were a good match from the start, but when I found out he disliked dogs, my feelings elevated from “like” to “love.” To this day it’s one of the qualities I cherish most about him. We’re never going to have to negotiate getting a dog.
You can imagine my surprise, then, that the first time I found myself on safari I was full on hysterical. I experienced genuine hysteria. I was beside myself, shrieking with excitement, eyes bulging out of my head, talking 15 thousand miles per minute. Both Quintin and Anna wanted to knock me out so they could enjoy a single second of peace. I could not stop smiling. I transformed into ELIZA THORNBERRY, an animal loving FREAK.
MY FIRST SAFARI
I paid $35 USD to go on a two hour horseback ride at a random place that a random Bolt driver told me about. Going in I was like “cool, we’ll probably see some impala.”
Five minutes into the ride, my horse is all but rubbing its head on a giraffe's belly. I hardly had my feet situated in the stirrups, and we run up on three giraffes?! You wanna talk about a majestic animal. I could watch giraffes walk all day; their hides are exquisite. I could watch them blink ALL DAY (eyelashes, honey, they are all leg, neck and EYELASHES!). If a giraffe kicks a lion, the lion “will meet its final resting place” according to our guide. Also according to our guide, the number one killer of giraffes in South Africa is lightning. Because what is higher up than a giraffe’s head?!
Following that potential highlight of my life, we continue on our ride. We go down a hill, across an enormous river (did y’all know horses can swim?), up the bank and BOOM, what do we run into but a herd of elephants. I didn’t even have time to squeal and fall off my horse BECAUSE THERE WERE 4 CHEETAHS UP AHEAD. We literally saw these elephants and said “sorry babes, we’ll have to circle back because there’s something even more rare and elusive up ahead, BYEEEEE!”
Perched atop my horse, peering at a cheetah perfectly camouflaged by the grasses of the savannah was an indescribable feeling. I was sitting there thinking “I can’t believe I’m looking at a fucking cheetah right now. A wild fucking cheetah.” To see a cheetah prowl up to the river, yawn and then lay down in the shade?! It was like reading National Geographic in 3D.
On this two hour horseback ride we saw giraffe, elephants, cheetah, zebra, wildebeest, rhino, buffalo, kudu, eland, waterbuck, springboks (go Boks!) and impala. With the backdrop of stunning South Africa. How much joy can a girl take in a day?!
Well, as it turns out, I could take more. After our horseback ride, we went to have lunch and over the chilliest glass of crisp white what am I treated to but the view of my giraffe friends moseying up and over the hill and down to the river to have an afternoon refresher next to the wildebeest.
MY FIRST SAFARI LODGE
We’re on a 10 person propeller plane and it’s 105 degrees outside. The plane hits the smallest bump and my stomach threatens to empty its contents. Given the size of the plane, and the complete lack of airflow within the plane, this is not an acceptable outcome.
We touch down and all I can think is “can somebody please open a fucking window, I’m going to wretch” and then I hear somebody shout “OMG THERE’S AN ELEPHANT ON THE TARMAC!”
WHAT nausea!? WHOSE nausea?!
Y’all there was a herd of elephants on the tarmac. I repeat, elephants on the tarmac. Never in all my days. When I tell you that was the tip of the iceberg of the amazing animal sightings to come, you simply have to take me at my word. By the time I got to my room, which was maybe 5KM away, I had seen upwards of 10 elephants, hippos, buffalo and baboons. ELIZA THORNBERRY.
The first evening Quintin, Francesca and I decided to go on a river cruise. Our guide, Lucky, asked what we hoped to see. As an ignorant and first time safari girlie I responded, with all the confidence in the world, “my number one goal is to see a hippo swimming.”
I don’t know how Lucky didn't guffaw ALOUD at my ignorant ass because we saw 35 hippos swimming in about 30 minutes. We saw hippos swimming, fighting, running, pooping, opening their mouths to an impossible degree, hemming and hawing, the whole nine. I was so close to a hippo I was like “OK we’re good, I’m not trying to meet MY final resting place!!!!”
In the span of 2 hours, my number one goal had been accomplished. Now, allow me to take you on my first ever game drive.
It’s 6:00AM. The whole Sally clan is loaded into our 4X4 ready for whatever adventure awaits. We take off and within 5 minutes our guide gets a call that another vehicle has spotted some African Wild Dogs. He says “this is rare '' but as I already mentioned, I’m not that into dogs and like… who wants to see a dog when you can see a lion? Ignorant, yet again. But we say “let’s go” and we’re off.
Well the next thing I know my heart rate is 118 BPM’s as I watch this African Wild Dog absolutely rip an impala to shreds. This thing was EATING. At one point the dog was fully inside the dead impala, eating its literal guts out. It was fucking awesome.
Then, the whole family came through. About 5 dogs come yelping across the savannah to enjoy the kill. I look over to the guides and both of them have their cell phones out, recording. When the guides have their phones out, it’s not something that happens everyday. After the show, our lead guide, Victor, informed us that people come to Africa time and time again with the hope of seeing what we just saw. YAHTZEE.
So by now it’s 6:37AM and we set out for the rest of the morning drive. The devil works hard, but the Zambezi National Park works harder. But 60 minutes after seeing the wild dogs feast on an impala, we’re treated to some lions (the brutal boys, as they’re known locally) who have just finished feasting on an elephant. These boys were toast by the time we arrived. You know when you eat too much at Thanksgiving and you need to unbutton your pants and stretch out IMMEDIATELY? That was these lions. They were simply pathetic.
Over the course of our three days, we went on boat safari’s, traditional game drives, walking safari and one a canoe safari, which was Quintins highlight of the whole trip.
We were on a small islet of the river that was surrounded by greenery, no noise except me yammering on and on to Victor. The whole paddle we’re surrounded by fields of baboons, kudu coming to drink, crocodiles sunning themselves, and elephants cooling down in the river. As we paddled by one particularly large crocodile, I turned around and saw Victor with his paddle raised all the way above his head ready to strike the shit out of the crocodile should the need arise.
Just as we hit golden hour (and in case y’all don’t know, golden hour hits different in Zambia) out parades a family of 4 elephants crossing the river, the light painting them a dazzling shade of golden brown. We sat there waiting for them to pass, watching them throw water and mud all over themselves, and then continue on their way. Quintin saw God and my transformation to Eliza was complete.
MY FIRST ZEBRA, RHINO & OSTRICH
MY FIRST RHINO: You know when you knock it out of the ballpark? My first rhino sighting is a situation where I transformed into Hank Aaron and knocked it out of the ball park. We had planned to do a week-long road trip along the Garden Route in South Africa, but the weather had other plans (frigid, spewing rain). We pulled an audible and said “bump this road trip, where’s the spa?” And that’s how we ended up at Ebb & Flow Eco Camp….it was close to a spa. We pull up, open the gate and are welcomed by zebras, buffalo, a pygmy horse, and an enormous kudu. Chill. We continue the drive to our bungalow and I shit you not, an enormous rainbow appears out of nowhere, stretching across the expanse of this property and what comes strutting by but two white rhino. Two white rhinos walking under a rainbow. I can’t make this shit up. Aside from being the cutest accommodation known to man, our bungalow is ALL windows so while we’re not at the spa, or on a life changing horseback ride, we pass our rainy days watching rhino and buffalo roam, as the sun sets light up the landscape. Are you there God? It’s me, Eliza Thornberry.
MY FIRST ZEBRA: We’re in Tulbagh, South Africa. We spent the morning biking around the beautiful countryside, participating in wine and olive oil tastings. Sadly, it’s time to return our bikes and head back to Cape Town because Anna has a work call. We drop our bikes at the rental place and ask where the bathroom is. We’re pointed out back and as we round the corner we notice a huge platform, which we assume is for viewing the gorgeous landscape (we are correct). We walk up to the platform and take some pictures, coo at all of the impala and we’re about to turn around and leave when all the sudden I’m like “OH MY GOD A ZEBRAH” This random roadside hotel, that also rents bikes, that’s also a gin distiller and winery (?), also has zebras?! Casual for some but not for me. Anna and I stood there squawking, then transitioned to shrieking for Quintin to hurry up out of the bathroom so he could stand on the platform and squeal at the zebra with us.
MY FIRST OSTRICH: We’re in West Coast National Park, South Africa. It’s frigid and also raining, but the wildflowers beckon, so we can’t stay inside. On what can only be described as a deserted, random, roadside hike, Anna is grilling Quintin on his best practices for budgeting and managing his finances. The conversation is droning on and all of the sudden Quintin HOLLERS (and I mean HOLLERS) “OH MY GOD AN OSTRICH” and wouldn’t you know there’s an ostrich about 50 meters ahead and this ostrich is Usain Bolt RUNNING up the trail. Then there are two ostriches. RUNNING. These are not US zoo sized ostriches…they are hefty mother fuckers, covering more ground in a minute than I thought feasible. Should I be scared?! I am….scared. They get basically parallel to us on the trail and then drop. Like stop, drop and roll DROP to the floor. OH, and now this thing is shaking its tail feathers. OH, it’s back to dropping it. OH back to shaking. It took me like 30 seconds too long to figure out what was going on but the ostrich was mating. Full on mating dance. They hang around for like 2 more minutes and then scamper on their way. We didn’t see them again until we hit a traffic jam on the way out of the park. The traffic jam was caused by the ostrich running down the side of the road. A day full of firsts.
Mother Nature went all out with her brush strokes in this part of the world, and experiencing South Africa and Zambia’s wildlife was an absolute extravaganza. The memories of this adventure are etched in my heart like an elephant's tusks on a tree trunk. The next edition of FOR THE FASHION GIRLIES might be dedicated to how to be safari chic. Don’t even come for me when you see me with my binoculars handy, my camera ready, with my safari hat on, decked out in neutral tones only. Cheers to the wild side of life, and realizing the horse girls might have been on to something! Haw-Yee.
